My Journey with Infertility and Loss

Disclaimer: In this post, I share personal experiences of infertility and pregnancy loss. I am not a doctor and any opinions are my own. This is a difficult topic but I’ll do my best to share my story with care.

This is a lot, but writing about this has been cathartic. Much of the details come straight from my journal which I’ve kept throughout this difficult year.

Realizing the Truth

Anyone who has dealt with fertility issues understands that no two journeys are the same. Each case is different and today I’m only sharing what my personal experience has been and my thoughts around it.

In my mind, planning for our first child was going to be simple. During the six-month break between Caleb’s graduation from medical school and beginning residency, I would conveniently have our first child so that he could be home a few months with us. That was 2019.

When we moved to our current town for his new job, Caleb and I began to realize that we had been TTC (trying to conceive) for much longer than what is considered normal for most people our age. We decided it might be time to get in touch with a specialist, so I looked up my insurance information and made some phone calls.

The Learning Phase

October 2020, we began seeing our current doctor, who specializes in fertility and endocrinology. We both had to do a series of tests to have a starting point for his plan. For the first few months, I had a really rough time with this. I previously have never had issues with doctor visits. This clinic, or the general idea of having to be there, peaked my anxiety causing me to pass out at various appointments — something I was working through with my counselor.

I had a few close friends who I kept in the loop of what was going on. This was so important for me and I encourage anyone reading this who is facing similar circumstances to keep a trusted few close to the process even; you will need them.

In the initial stages, the doctor divulged all the information about possible avenues we could go down depending upon what the tests revealed. Everything from pills, to IUI and IVF, were discussed. After a few months, the doctor concluded we were both completely healthy and normal, but he advised that I could go ahead and try some medication to aid ovulation. We were happy to know there were no serious medical conditions to tackle and were ready to begin the new plan. That was January 2021.

Round 1

After the very first round of medication, I started taking pregnancy tests way too early (if you know, you know), but to my surprise, I saw the coveted two lines! I could not believe my eyes. I remember telling Caleb as soon as I could and we were both so surprised and happy. After the doctor confirmed the pregnancy, we really felt like we were on our way.

We wanted to wait to tell our families, but after a couple of weeks, the news got out. At my very first ultrasound, it was a bit early for a heartbeat at that point and the doctor could not be certain growth was adequate, so he scheduled another check-up a week later.

The doctor finally saw what he needed to feel positive about the pregnancy. I was happy and relieved! But I couldn’t deny the cramping I had begun to feel, which I had to mention to the doctor. In the middle of week 6, my cramping increased and was accompanied by other concerning signs.

Losing

March 2021, I was now past 7 weeks. The doctor was concerned by my symptoms at this point. He confirmed that growth was not adequate and was not able to detect a heartbeat. This is still probably the hardest part for me to handle (Was my baby even a baby? Is this loss valid compared to the millions of other women who have lost children?).

I laid in the clinic room vulnerable in every way as the doctor told me what I didn’t want to hear: “I’m sorry but you’re going to miscarry soon.” I called Caleb at work right away who was awaiting any news from the appointment. He was admittedly heartbroken and told me to rest until he could get home.

The doctor thought it might take another week, but within 2 days, it was all over. I knew for certain what was happening. I let Caleb know and called my mom. Regis (our pup) was the sweetest company during the worst day. My mom drove down to spend the week with me at home as I coped and began to heal.

Healing and Next Steps

After a pregnancy loss, a person can actually feel lost. It’s a painful and confusing situation, no matter what the statistics say. It was difficult to let our family members know what happened when less than 2 weeks ago we had shared happy news with them. Caleb and I went back and forth about when and how to tell our families initially, but in the end, I don’t regret telling them as early as we did. Family is family; to celebrate with you and grieve with you through life, and that’s just what our families tenderly did with us.

The doctor began a series of new labs and plans for moving forward. I didn’t take any time off work because the worst of it had happened over a weekend and I was “fine.” Caleb and I were ready to keep moving forward, so after a short time of normalcy, the doctor gave us the go-ahead to begin the next round of medication.

Round 2

Does the heading give it away? By some twist of fate after years of no pregnancy and one miscarriage, I got pregnant again! It was now June 2021. “Wow, clearly this medication is what we needed to help the process because, at this point, we’re 2 for 2.”

When I had a blood lab to confirm, my parents were actually in town visiting. I had to be sneaky because I really didn’t want to tell them anything at that point. I wrote in my journal:

“They told me my [hormone] level was rising well and no concerns. Already going smoother than last time. I am scheduled to go in for an ultrasound next Monday for the doctor to check on development. I’m feeling very hopeful, but Caleb and I will probably keep this one a secret for a while longer.”

…Losing

At my 7 week ultrasound, the doctor said he was not positive that he detected a heartbeat. He told me that growth was not adequate and ultimately believed I would miscarry again. I stared up at the white ceiling tiles and didn’t hold back my tears.

A week later, nothing had progressed so the doctor recommended some medication to help it pass– something I think you should thoroughly consult your doctor about and pray through if you have this decision to make. This was very difficult for me. I understood what was happening as well as the risks of keeping a non-growing baby in my body. (For many women, aiding this process is recommended or even necessary to keep the mother healthy. So please follow your trusted doctor’s direction, especially during emotionally taxing times.)

My doctor felt it was okay for me to wait to pass it naturally and I was okay with that too. For the next 3 weeks, I continued to carry. It was now August 2021.

As I mentioned before, my two experiences with loss were very different from each other. The second loss was much worse, and I wasn’t prepared for that. I naively thought that since my body went through it once, that I knew exactly what was coming with the next one. I was wrong.

Sparing details, I was in a type of distress I have never felt before. What I was facing was truly new and scary. I remember calling my mom just to have someone with me while Caleb ran to the drugstore for some prescribed pain meds my doctor had written for me, which up to that point I did not think I would need. My body had continued to try to support this pregnancy for 10 weeks. But then it was finally over. I experienced a lot of pain for many hours, without the prize and joy of receiving a baby into my arms, for a second time within the same year.

Healing Once Again

I have my family and friends to thank for checking on me, praying for me, and sharing resources in my toughest times. This year’s circumstances could never have been predicted, but my support system helped me cope, process, and heal.

The Lord heard me pray new things, too. He somehow gave me comfort in the midst of a nightmare. I called out to him and he was there. “The Lord is my shepherd…” I don’t know how many times I prayed the verses of Psalm 23. If I didn’t have Truth in my heart during these trials, there’s no doubt my mind’s experience would have been much worse.

Though Caleb and I struggled through this, he quietly and courageously handled each unique experience. He also navigated two intense periods of time with me after these losses where I was mad, depressed, confused, and taking everything out on him. He loved me through it and always continues to paint a bright vision for our future.

We are now in a new phase of labs and testing since I fall into the less-common category of losing two in a row. I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to more months of exams and tests, but I know it’s necessary if we want to proceed with the chance of a healthy pregnancy.

To Sum It Up

Infertility and pregnancy loss are more common than many people realize. I have had several friends face their own difficult journeys trying to become parents. On the other hand, it’s easy to feel bombarded with pregnancy announcements at this phase of life. I have and will always be so so happy for my friends who are experiencing healthy pregnancies. But I can’t deny there have been days I just want to shut down and never look at social media again.

Baby No. 1 was due the first week of November. That’s just around the corner. Caleb and I are navigating our next plans the best we know how. If you made it all the way to the end here, thank you. If you’re someone who has lived through their own experience with loss then know that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. I hope you are encouraged to remember to lean on God and the ones you love in all seasons of life. Your people are in your life for a reason and we are meant to support each other in all the highs and the lows.

Xo, Laura